What a beautiful day to be alive!!

The sun is shining (every now and then) and the air is crisp and cool…a perfect fall day.

I slept well last night and woke up this morning feeling okay. Let me clarify by saying I am not going to run a marathon but the nausea is managable and the headache is under control. Dr. Younis gave me a couple more prescriptions yesterday that are helping control some of the other side effects, so overall the outlook is good! I am going to be smart and not vacuum, dust or clean the bathrooms but just relax and enjoy the day. I am going to take one of the meals out of the freezer for supper that my wonderful friends have made and put my feet up. I might not even get dressed to day (gasp!). This takes some discipline on my part but the resulting good health is worth it.

I am not mortified today, maybe just surprised at myself for revealing a vulnerable moment to the whole world. I am not afraid of dying and I say that with all honesty because I know I go to be with my Lord and isn’t that our ultimate goal ? I guess when they use the word “terminal” and tell you that this treatment is all they can do it knocks you for a loop. I feel I have unfinished business here on earth. My baby is only 3! I want to see my sweet boys grow up to be beautiful men! I want to see my children get married and hold my grandchildren! Grow old with my husband!

So I guess I have to trust in the Lord that that is His will too and have faith that if it is not, He will look after every thing. I don’t mean to sound defeatist because I have always been a fighter. My name after all means warrior. But when your journey reveals a possible pathway you need to explore it and come to terms with it. Look everything in the face and say Lord whatever your will I am ready.

That is what I had to do last night. But have no fear wonderwoman is back today (I just have to laugh out loud at that!) and all is well with my soul. God is good in so many ways. He is the ultimate doctor and healer.

I had a good cry reading all your emails and comments and feel so blessed to have friends and family who are so supportive and caring. I can’t tell you what a blessing it is to read them. Relationships and friendships are growing that may not otherwise have done so if not for this cancer and for that I am thankful.

October is a month to be thankful and I have so much to be thankful for!

Chemo # 5

Well chemo number 5 is done!! My LAST and FINAL chemo is scheduled for October 20! This one went well except for the fact that my chart went MIA on route between my Ocologist appointment (1st floor) and the chemo pharmacy (11th floor), where they review my chart and prepare the chemo drugs, thus my chemo was delayed by 2 hours. No big deal, it eventually got sorted out. I have to confess that I am actually feeling physically okay at the moment so I am optimistic that this is going to be a good one.

I have a feeling this is going to be a “pour my heart out” rambling kind of blog because at the moment I an under the influence of some pretty serious drugs and I am feeling kind of down. Okay, I admitted it, but I can honestly say that it is very rare that I let this whole thing get me down. I am usually a very upbeat person who finds a weird sense of humour in most everything. I find it funny that people think I am some kind of wonderwoman going through this when I am just a mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend, etc. doing what she needs to do. I don’t see the point of moaning and complaining about something that is beyond my control.

I guess this is where the problem comes in. I admit it, I am somewhat of a control freak (oh, this is a night of revelations!). I am “controlling” this by learning and reading everything I can about breast cancer and treatments, etc. I want to be informed and know what is going on. I deal so much better when I know what to expect and today I was blind sided by something I should have known. Maybe I knew and just didn’t process it. I am a literal person so if you beat around the bush or try the subtle approach I probably won’t get it (maybe that is a blonde thing, teehee) so if it wasn’t in plain english I might have missed it.

I met with the lady leading the radiation study I am considering. She went over the consent form and study guidelines. She outlined the followup protocol which includes measurements of my arms, bloodwork, xrays and mammagrams over a 5 year period. It got me to thinking about the fact that once all my treatments are over there is no more testing. I have had CAT scans, bone scans and every kind of xray going to rule out cancer in other parts of my body. This confirms that the breast cancer is the only detectable tumor and the primary cancer site. But once every thing is done they don’t followup with any of these tests to see if there is a reoccurance anywhere within the “five year” cancer free mark!

You see the cancer could be there now but on the microscopic level hence the chemothereapy to provide a systemic treatment to my whole body. But because of the type of cancer I have they have given me a 25% chance of reoccurance. Meaning I have a 1 in 4 chance the chemo won’t work and these cancer cells could grow somewhere else in my body. It usually goes to the best blood source, the liver, bones, brain or lungs. I have always said that if that happens, well it’s just another hurdle and we will fight that too. So today I asked my Oncologist if they don’t do any testing how will they know if it comes back, other than any symtoms I might experience? I mean, its best to find these things early right?

His answer is what floored me….if it comes back, it doesn’t matter if they find it one month or 3 months later, the result is the same, it is terminal!

Whoo, where is that in all the books I read. Did everyone know this but me! But wait, it’s okay, because sometimes they can help women with metastic cancer live 10 or 15 years (this is said with a great deal of sarcasim on my part!). You know, if I was 70 or 80 this would fill me with a sense of relief but at 38 I’m not feeling it.

They can help me with any cancer side effects I might have, like pain, but there is no further treatment available. The reason makes sense once he explained it to me. Once cancer spreads to another area, like the bones, it doesn’t become bone cancer, it is still breast cancer. If they biopsy the bone, it contains breast tissue and breast cancer cells not bone cancer cells. Bone cancer is not just because it is located in the bone it is because it is a totally different kind of cancer. So it won’t respond to bone cancer treatment because it is still breast cancer. Right now they are hitting me with their best…or worse…stuff and if it doesn’t work now at the microscopic stage it’s not going to. Does that all make sense? I find it fascinating but I always loved biology and stuff like that. I just wish it wasn’t my body it was happening to.

So if I had been prepared for his answer I might not be having such a hard time with the answer. While I am trying to get my “head around it” my heart is telling me to have faith. To not lean on what the doctors or my head is saying but on what Jesus teaches me. So I need to go pray and find comfort in the Lord because no matter how wonderful everyone in my life is, noone and nothing can provide what the Lord can.

“Do not worry about anything; instead pray about everything.” Phil 4:6 (thanks for the verse, Annette ) I needed it tonight).

I’m sure I am going to be mortified tomorrow when I am feeling more like myself and I read this but for now it has helped a little to ramble.
Love to all for your support and prayers.

Happy Birthday to Sara!!

Well, our little baby turns 3 today (7:32 pm to be precise!). The time flies by so fast. Someone reminded me on her birthday that it is only 2 years before she starts school….my heart still races when I think about that. Before long she’ll be a teenager!!!

For several weeks before her birthday she kept telling everyone she was having a pony party. While this was not what I had planned she was very persistant. She wasn’t really able to tell me what a pony party entailed but she was quite sure about the pony cake. So a pony cake it was, along with pin the tail on the donkey, Polly Pocket pony, My Little pony, Barbie pony and of course, a real pony (or horse) ride with her best bud Mackenzie. She seemed thrilled with everything so I think I lived up to the pony party expectations.

We had the acutal party on Sunday after church so we will just have a quiet mini party tonight to celebrate. A friend up the road, Jean, made a beautiful Lion King cake for her for tonight. Sara thinks her birthday is one week long event as she has been getting gifts just about every day. She is heading down to her Nana’s house tomorrow so the party will just continue on into the weekend!

While she may not have been planned by us, she is a true blessing from the Lord. That was definitely a time when the Lord knew better than we did what we needed in our lives. She continues to bring joy to us everyday. Happy Birthday Sweet Pea!!

A little side note: My bloodwork came back okay. Prayer works!!Kentville is a little concerned about the cold and thinks Halifax may not proceed with my chemo. Whats my favorite saying…”Don’t tell God how big your mountain is, tell that mountain how big your God is.” 

It was bound to happen!

Last week Sara came down with a cold. I was very careful to wash all of our hands constantly, not drink from the same glasses, no lip kissing, etc.

Well it didn’t work. I have been fighting a sinus cold since Sunday. I had a couple of really miserable days but I think I am starting to turn the corner. I took it easy today and am feeling a little better. Those Advil liquid gels for colds are wonderful. Sara still has a bit of a runny nose but is doing great.

I go for bloodwork tomorrow so say a little prayer that my counts are not too low from fighting this cold. They usually call me within 2 hours with the results so I’ll have an idea of whats going on then. I am hoping most of the symptoms will be gone by Friday as they won’t do my chemo if I am sick or my counts are too low. While I don’t really enjoy the chemo, I don’t want it postponed. Its just putting off the inevitable.

I see the Radiation Oncologist on October 13. They will do a CAT scan and tatto the markings in preparation for the radiation treatments. I always said I would never get a tatto but I am about to get 4-7 of them on my chest area. Granted they are only the size of moles so I guess I can live with them. Maybe they could do them in the shape of a ladybug!

My good friend, Leanne, sent me a beautiful card with this scripture verse inside…

“…We can be sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.” Romans 8:28

AMEN!

Guess who’s another year older?

Happy Birthday Kim! Have a great day. Love ya! 

For Rhea….

The “Too Much Fun” letter project gang!!! 

Group Shot

 

The Teal House Reunion!

I drove down to Hubbards today to have lunch at the Trellis Cafe (my former competition across the street) with the ladies who worked with me at The Teal House, most them for seven years. They did more than work with me…they ran the place!! And were more than just employees…but good and dear friends.

I am ashamed to say that we haven’t seen each other for over a year. We’ve kept in touch via email, Canada Post and Aliant but have not physically seen each other. There is no excuse for that so I’m not even going to try. All is can say is that the “cancer thing” prompted this visit and for that I am grateful. It makes you evaluate whats important in life and promts you to take action instead of putting things off.

We had a wonderful visit, catching up on all the news and gossip and looking at photos. We said we would get together again before Christmas and I am vowing to do just that!!

Thanks Yvonne, Jenny, Vicki, Gail, Rose and Corinne for a great time.
I love you guys!!! 

Too Much Fun!

This is my Too Much Fun project. You use Mod Podge to adhere scrapbook paper to wooden letters and then decorate with photos and embellishments. Not bad for my first try…I can’t wait to try some Christmas letters….JOY or NOEL!! This might be a good gift idea…mmm!

We had a great group that evening, Rhea does a super teaching job and it was a really fun night out. Sorry I don’t have the group shot, Rhea, Kelsey hasn’t brought her camera down yet. Stay tuned! 

Finally…

Finally, here are some photos of our spur of the moment trip to Brier Island.

This is the long trail down to see the famous Balancing Rock on Long Island.

You walk this long trail through the woods then reach these wooden stairs. There are 243 stairs down to the rocky coastline.

Notice to the left of us the long, narrow rock barely balancing on the small rock underneath it. The coastline is breathtaking and we saw a group or pod of dolphins jumping and playing just in front of us.

On Brier Island near Seal Cove the boys left their mark…an inuikshuk (sp?).

If you ever get the chance, take a trip there. There are no tourist things to do but lots of hiking trails, rocky and sandy beaches and cool things to see. The kids are planning another trip next year.